Christmas Gifts for Naughty Persons

URANIUM ORE



Guaranteed to give the recipient that special "holiday glow!"
Available from Amazon.com

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PET SCORPION



This may put some "sting" into your holiday budget, but it's well worth it - nothing says "you've been naughty" quite like this!
Available at many pet shops. Information here.

What do you get the kid who has everything?

Well, no kid has everything, but let me pose the following scenario to you. I have no doubt that many readers will be familiar with it--

Dick and Jane get lots of presents at Christmas.  Their parents go all out, as do both sets of grandparents along with assorted aunts and uncles. There's not room for everything under the tree; presents have to be piled on the kitchen table as well. Christmas Eve, or Christmas morning, the unwrapping gets underway, and two or three hours after starting, Dick and Jane are still at it. Paper and ribbon and bows everywhere; the place looks like it's been hit by a hurricane.

It's hard to buy for kids like this. First of all, there's the risk of duplication, especially if you go after this year's "trendy" toys.  But on a deeper plane, suppose that you feel like you want to get them something that's special, amongst all those other "special" things (read: special junk)....

Answer: Books. When the toys have lost their novelty a few months down the road, and joined the vast array of rarely-played-with toys that populate Dick and Jane's rooms, the books will still be there, beckoning. Well, maybe. This strategy probably works better with younger kids who are just learning to read, than it will with older kids who have discovered the allure of the video game. But even if the books go neglected, you will know that you gave it your best shot, bestowing upon them a time-honored, non-passive form of entertainment that enriches both mind and spirit. As opposed to glitzy crap made in Chinese sweatshops.

There's the added advantage here that you can, with some judicious shopping around in used bookstores, pick up like-new kids books at a substantial savings over the big retailers. Unless you think that spending more money on brand new books means you love Dick and Jane more, that God abhors Christmas thrift, or some other crazy idea along those general lines.

Another idea is art supplies. Most kids like to draw and color, so getting them crayons, colored pens and pencils, art paper, etc., is never a waste.

The First day of Winter

I'm an outspoken person, so by all means, take the following with a grain of salt...

It will officially be winter in a few hours. I had to go out on this near-winter's day, because I needed a few groceries and a pair of pants. I expected it would be bad out there, and my expectations were, in fact, exceeded. It was horrible out there. The traffic was horrible, the stores were packed, and there seemed to be an inordinate number of cranky people around. My brother (who went with me) said, "I have a feeling it's going to be one of those days...."

People blowing through the roundabouts and cutting others off like the bold "yield" warning on the pavement had been erased. Others punching the accelerator to make it through the yellow light at intersections. Cutting others off, when perhaps on another day, they might have taken their foot off the gas and given someone an opening. A line of cars, stretching from Bakerview all the way to Bennett Road. Parking lots packed and the stores crowded with masses of complete strangers, shoulder to shoulder, each "safe" inside his/her insulated little world. Frowning. Yessir, I took an inventory. A lot of frowning and furrowed brows out there.

But maybe it's always that way. I'll have to do a post-Xmas comparison.

I'm glad I've backed off from this sort of thing, this"surfing the fray," for the most part. Because anyone who's out in that on a daily basis...well, I can understand why y'all feel like crap at Christmastime.

Not that I endorse simulated cheer*. But there's an old Vietnamese saying: "Ornament is for joy." Why are you doing it, if there's no joy in it? But more importantly, what is life for, if not to enjoy?

One thing is certain: I'll not go near a retail establishment, save maybe Starbucks for a cup of coffee, from now until Christmas is over. It's a jungle out there.

P.S. - You erratic drivers - take a chill pill. You're a danger to yourself and others.

*Actually, I do endorse simulated cheer, for its therapeutic value, but not when it's employed simply as a "veneer."

The Christmas Season, 100 years ago

Centralia Washington, The Centralia Chronicle, Dec. 12, 1907



Cumberland, Maryland, The Evening Times, Dec. 16, 1907

Simplifying Christmas #1: Shopping for the adults in your life

Here are several ways you can make your Christmas shopping for the adults in your life a whole lot simpler, giving you time (and peace of mind) for doing other things:

• Get all the adults on your list the same thing, more or less. Some suggestions: Books of movie tickets, gift certificates, bottle of wine in a gift bag. Trader Joe's, I've noted, has gift certificates. I can't imagine anyone being unhappy about getting a Trader Joe's gift certificate. Most regional malls, as well, offer generic gift certificates, which can be used at any store. That could be your one and only (imagine that!) trip to the mall during the Christmas season - to buy gift certificates for everyone on your list. Some people consider this tacky, but I, personally, think it's thoughtful, because you are giving them whatever their little heart desires, and at the same time taking some pressure off of yourself, giving you time to focus more on experiences during the holidays. Because, as you grow old and wise, the experiences are what are going to really matter. Not the merchandise.


• Food baskets: Some people hate getting food baskets, some like it. Myself, I like it, a lot. If someone were to give me a basket full of tastefully arranged goodies that I enjoy: marinated artichoke hearts, smoked salmon, good cheese, crackers, English toffees, a pint of brandy--I'd be in 7th heaven. So, if you know (or can find out) what foods various family members really like, this is an excellent way to simplify. There are lots of places to get nice baskets at a reasonable price. Couple those with some fancy red cellophane, ribbon, and nice cards, then go food shopping. Do it all in an afternoon, and then prepare the gifts while watching a Christmas movie, or listening to Christmas music in the evening. Make it a family affair, if you have a spouse and kids. And remember - you can throw in other things besides food. Votive candles, sachets, incense, soaps, lip balm, etc., etc.


• Consider giving someone something they can do, rather than just things they can keep (to gather dust, sometimes). Know a golfer? Buy him/her "x" number of games at a local course, and throw in some golfing gear to go with the certificate. The same applies to a bowler. My guess is that if you're at the bowling alley with cash in hand, even if they technically don't offer gift certificates, they'll work something out. All you have to do is ask.


• Along the lines of giving people things they can do, season passes for various venues can be a great present. Season tickets to the local symphony, or the local theater company. An annual membership to the Seattle Art Museum is only $35 for a senior, $30 for a student, and $75 for a dual membership. Or an annual membership to the Pacific Science Center in Seattle. Once you start looking around, you'll find a surprising number of gift opportunities like this, many of which can be purchased online.


• What about getting adults "gifts for the soul?" Replicas of antique toys, for example. Generally speaking, something quaint and colorful will please, just for the emotions it evokes. You also might find some real antique toys at antique stores or thrift shops. For Western Washingtonians, the city of Snohomish has some excellent antique stores.

Black Friday: Conclusion

A poem, by yours truly:

Black Friday

Alderwood, Thanksgiving midnight,
20,000 came to score.
Maybe half of them wonder
(in retrospect) just what for.
Considering the three-hour checkout
At the Disney store,
And the swell of humanity
Out on the floor.

But it was okay, Black Friday rocks!
She got two hundred pairs of
Men’s tube socks
(and saved 200 dollars).
Then, while lamenting the demise of
Mandarin collars and
Beige Nehru jackets,
She paused, and snacked on
Pop tarts she bought, in
Shiny foil packets.

To Marysville, he drove 60-odd miles.
All indigestion and smiles.
But couldn’t find parking at the regional mall,
Not a spare stall, at all, forgot the
Damned cell phone, to call and complain.
It could have been worse,
There could have been rain.
Better clear and frosty,
To numb the brain.

Look at the tour bus, imagine that!
A Canadian charter, because their dollar is fat.
Fat and fancy, at a-dollar-seven.
All good children go to heaven.
Where’s Kevin?
Dear God - left home alone!
Do you have a dog, and does he bury his bone?
Like a good dog should, and someday I’d like to
Move up to Hollywood.

- R. Dean Brock, 2007